Chariots of Poor

Shatabdi got a poorer country cousin of sorts in Jan Shatabdi. Rajdhani was left in the lurch - until this year. Only, the name seems to suggest that the Capital trains are yet to been meted out with equal treatment. The new trains aren't Jan Rajdhanis - they're Garib Raths.

Yes. Not Jan Rajdhanis. Not Lok Raths. Not any form of Kranti. GARIB RATH.

A friend of mine, aptly named Now, suggested it as a means of striking the ideal balance between saving time as well as money. Plus these trains, at least on the Mumbai-Delhi route, are known for having TTEs willing to bend rules to a much larger extent than rubberbandily possible.

Yet another friend's parents reported cockroaches on a Delhi-originating Punjab-bound variant of the same train.

The Mumbai-Delhi "Chariot" splits the 2 Rajdhanis as far as timing is concerned, but departs from Bandra Terminus instead of the usual Mumbai Central (station code BCT; BDTS doesn't drive home any point whatsoever).

Now, BDTS is touted to be the next state-of-the-art railway terminal, and in its current state (which has been dormant for atleast 3 years) it totally justifies its label.

* The approach - a perennially (no - not seasonal) potholed, (apparently) metalled, single-lane (at times, half of it each way), (hardly) motorable, er, road off the Western Express Highway, through some of the dirtiest slums of Bandra-E, typical of neighbouring Dharavi - rivals even the slum-infested descent into the international airport.

* There is enormous total of 3 platforms. One of those isn't even an originating one - and its approach (from BCT) is a single line (no up or down). Travel in Swaraj Express any one morning and grab the sticky moss and other random filth on the walls of the Dharavi slums on its either side - it's quite an experience.

* The highly intuitive and passenger-friendly amenities are next only to the ones offered at one of those stations with unpronounceable names in the rural innards of this vast country - I think there is a ticket counter at the far-end of the station. You might have to cross a track or two though. There's also an airportesque waiting lounge with no visible entry.

Quit cribby digression. "Chariot" arrives in typical war fashion - a typically lethargic underpowered diesel engine pulled in the green-and-cream bogies slowly and steadily, and suprisingly well ahead of its scheduled departure.

Classes {approx. prices in INR for Delhi-Mumbai; 1388 kms}:

* AC Sleeper (G; 650) - the Garib version of AC 3-tier sleeper (AS; 1150); a truer AC version of Sleeper (S; 450)

* AC Sitting (J; 550) - the Garib version of AC Chair Car (CC; NA); a truer AC version of Second Sitting (II; NI)

I hope you can recall the IInd class compartments from some short distance journey (Delhi-Agra or Mumbai-Pune; hope that was before you started acting all snobby) - pefectly right-angled seats; 3x3 facing each other; a 3rd set of doors down the centre of the compartment; 4 Indian-style toilets. Now imagine them not facing each other; cushioned seats; air-conditioning but no curtains on the windows, with hardly any space in the loft to hold luggage. Top it all off with amazingly scant space; leg-wise, hip-worse. It's 17 closely packed rows with no arm-rests or head-rests, missing foot-rests, broken bottle-holders (in spite of these coaches being brand-new and otherwise very clean), inelastic book-holders, etc. etc.

But the joint cake-takers are:

* the food-tray and the related instructions ("tray kholne ke liye knob kisi bhi disha mein ghumaye and tray neeche ki taraf kheeche ... band karne ke liye tray to backrest se lagaye aur knob to niche ki taraf kheeche")

* the whistling hawaldar and his highly enlightening security drill ("anjaan vyakti se khaane ka koi vastu lenge toh" *impersonates instant death due to poisoning before making sure every other person benefitted from his instructions*)

As I mentioned before, Now had also told me that the rules formulated for these "Chariots" are meant for the weak, and indeed the poor. A spare 200 bucks for the overtly co-operative TTEs can confirm a wait-listed sleeper ticket; 150, an upgrade from Sitting to Sleeper. But first - people whom these rules are meant for.Me using my laptop caused a considerable stir of the excited kind among the people seated just behind me. Me packing up my laptop and standing outside caused a grander stir, this time of the skeptical kind. The terror-suspect that was me managed to convince the gentlemen who then became a tad too relaxed - they kept pestering me for my laptop, among other things. "thoda timepass ho jayega. hum laana bhool gaye. aata hai chalana. aapne tees hazaar mein liya? bahut mehenga hai. bees mein badiya aa jaata hai"

My next visit outside was more successful. I was led to a TTE-special half-coach, where each 3-seat segment was to act as a berth Vadodra-onwards. The non-allocation of 2 seats cost just 100 bucks, and though a berth would have been infinitely more convenient, well, three seats are better than one. Here the crowd was mainly those whom rules weren't meant for, implying (finally) a relaxed atmosphere for on-train digital entertainment. Crash. The Clash - London Calling. Calling Elvis (Dire Straits). Holden Caulfield; The Catcher in the Rye (Ok that last one was the odd one out).

Sleep wasn't sound - better safe than sorry wrt luggage and Charioteers. Train was, unlike Now's prediction, late by an hour and a half. But it was alright - it pulled in ahead of the August Kranti Rajdhani.

Let It Crib Vol. 3 - Central Line (Harbour)

Disclaimer: Before reading this piece, you need to agree to abide by all the rules and regulations specified in the actual disclaimer at the end of this article. Should you choose to go down reading and happen to get offended, will I be liable? Buddy, that's also part of the actual disclaimer, not this dummy one.

PLST: Or Why Harbour Line Oughta Be Given A Facelift In Order To Bring It To Terrorists' Notice

Dear Harkut-ul-Mujahideen/Students Islamic Movement of India/Lashkar-e-Toiba/Jaish-e-Mohammed/Hizbul Mujahideen/Al Qaeda/Double-O from Double-D's team/whomsoever-else-this-may-concern (which in a surprise twist of plot might include any of the fundamentalist fanatics of the overwhelmingly majority religion of our very secular country but I'm just gonna let that be),

You terrorists like to play around and use your toys on CR and WR, and makes me wonder - why? Guess it's 'coz it is used by countless members of the upper-middle/middle classes of the society who are either too impatient and/or impunctual to use the roads, or are plain lacking in the monetary department. I can notice how first-class compartments are the targets. It is at this point that I have a few posers for all you sadistic anti-humanity pests - What's wrong with Harbour Line? What have we ever done to you or anyone to deserve such a cold shoulder? Are we not humans? Do we not live as equal members of the society in this free land?

All but one query - the first one - are rhetorical. But there's plenty wrong with this 49km route that connects the famed Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus (the erstwhile Victoria Terminus - yes, I'll talk about names in some other post; it doesn't really fit in in a letter to the destroyers. I mean, what will you guys possibly do with it? Blow up the street names and landmarks at extremely crowded locations across this city, causing irreparable damage to life and property alike? What's the point - it doesn't go in accordance with your ideology. Not unless you want the streets and landmarks to be named after famous icons belonging to your respective religion. Ah. Now that might be a good enough reason.) to the last remaining specks of urbanization as one proceeds towards the hills. That's right, Panvel. And en route, we have the dock areas that appear so shady right from the time the sun starts going down, you begin to think you'd fear for you life less if you were in Chambal ki Ghaati in the company of Gabbar Singh and Bandit Queen and other such dakoos.

Contrary to the image it portrays though, there are quite a few commuters, especially in Ist class, who happen to be civilized well beyond the Paleolithic Era. So much so that they deserve to be called Cro-Magnen Homo-Sapiens, and not Homo-Erectus (this of course does not mean that they are not capable of an erection. Far from it - if you take a look at the rush at Kurla Station on a typical weekday, you'll know what I mean. And if you travel in rush-hour, especially in the general IInd class, you'll know that evolving past that particular form doesn't mean a non-majority sexual orientation can be ruled out), and hence are equally deserving of an opportunity to be bombed. As Knopfler meant (but for some reason refrained from singing), "the bomb was loaded from the start" (Romeo & Juliet). But I agree with you guys, there are a few things which need to be done before we are worthy enough. No, not the gentry, but other things. So without further ado, here's my wishlist (and I hope you'll do something about it. I dunno - maybe shove a cannonball up some CR officials' asses?):

1. Increase the frequency to a flat 3 minutes, right from 4am till 1am

Have you (the authorities, mind you sirs - would I dare say anything against you my pretties?) ever witnessed the insane rush that exists at Kurla till midnight, even when the mainline platforms are devoid of a soul? Ok, maybe not a soul but definitely a negligible number. If you have, do the next worst thing - try getting in.

PS: Sirs, this will make sure that your multiple explosives will cause damage within a short span of time thus maximising the chances of chaos.

2. Upgrade all rakes from 9-coach to 12-coach, and lengthen the platform wherever necessary.

Authorities, in order to bring down the rush further, should definitely go ahead with this. The only bottleneck should be the platform lengths, but only at a select few stations, namely, Sandhurst Road. That's it - everywhere else either the platforms are long enough, or unnecessary beautification is just screaing out to be removed for something more useful.

PS: Sirs, in addition to maximizing damage, just in case the security decides to do a search, and this's valid for the 1st one as well, it's gonna be a major headache given the increase in number. My bet is on them getting their lazy asses back to warming their benches.

3. Abolish ladies' Ist class.

Face it - CR and WR might be having so many female commuters that they not only require this but also ladies specials, but on this shady route of ours, women usually prefer taking the road to being on the same platform as lecherous dock-workers. The fall-out: the ladies' Ist class compartment is empty even during peak hours, much to the chagrin of the male Ist class commuter. IInd class ladies can have their dabba - I'm really not interested in getting up, close and personal with smelly fisherwomen in any case. But open up the Ist class.

PS: Sirs, since you anyway do your little horticultural job of planting stuff in the general Ist class dabbas, I say this, coupled with my previous point, work out rather good for you, giving you countless more target options.

4. Make alternate trains from CR (Main) and CR (Harbour) exchange at Kurla.

That's right - so we'll have a direct train link from Vashi-Dadar, or Ghatkopar-Wadala - well, you get the idea. If it can be done on the days of partial megablocks, why not all the time? And once that is done, maybe you can also make a facility for trains of CR and WR to cross over at Dadar.

PS: This will make you scratch your head a bit, but think of it in the long run - it removes all your ideological obstacles of not targetting this smallfry route, by mixing and merging it with the main CR (and if all goes well, WR as well). So, given the increased delays that are gonna be an obvious fallout of this implementation, there's a good chance that with a little luck (and when it comes to B'bay, you guys seem to have that in spades - ignore train not falling into Bhayender creek), the damage shall be done at a much more crowded and/or significant place that initially planned.

I'm not gonna be unreasonable and demand fast trains on this route - it's not feasible given the closely packed slums/ghettos/shanties/tenements. The only option would be, no - not large scale demolition, but the overhead, 2-level route. Which is gonna take forever, given this city's track record. And I'm sure you terros can't wait for it AND keep up with your targets. So that's about it, I'm done - now it's all upto you guys. Just, as a token of your appreciation, let me know whenever you plan the executions - I'll head for safer ground (I'm too young to die!),

Regards,

Ibanov, Sir Rekaf

Disclaimer: Even though this article might not appeal to your funny bone, it is supposed to be taken in a light-hearted vein. Can you do that for me? So in case you've actually taken my advice and scrolled down without reading, and in case you really wanna scroll all the way back up, bear in mind that I'm no violence loving psychopath. Everything above is just a humble foray into how Harbor Line can be improved, and what might be the worst fears of the authorities that's preventing them from implementing these obvious suggestions.

Crime & the Country

The Hindu is one really good paper that's available in Delhi. So is The Statesman. But among the mainstream ones, it's HT which gets my vote. As of now, I'm in Bombay.

Calcuttans love their addabaji and theatre runs in their city water supply, which compensates for the lack of it in their bloodstreams. Creating a scene is mandatory, whether you are in politics (rallys) or labour/service sector ("bondh!") or for that matter, anything. Even the aam janta really appreciates the odd piece of odd entertainment.

Mumbai Metropolitan Regional Development Area Grounds, Bandra Kurla Complex, Mumbai - February 18, 2007. Waters' concert. There was this group of Traveling Bongalees who wanted to score and were lamenting how, unlike their hometown, stuff's not half as readily available.

Apparently, the cultural capital's days of "bendhe! bendhe!" "ladies bachcha achche" "dadu *random talk*" are a thing of the past.

Hindustan Times, HT, has now been here in Mumbai for 3 years I guess. ToI has a stranglehold in this city; DNA has a good presence; thinking minds prefer Indian Express. Indian Express Delhi is highly mediocre.

It's very easy to get really stoned in Calcutta. It's also very easy to get stoned in Calcutta.

DNA events organize all these concerts of major international acts, rock or otherwise, in India. They are not supposed to be connected to the Mumbai daily, Daily News & Analysis.

Back during those yearly visits to Patna, I remember enjoying the day-old Telegraph paper. Day-old 'coz it came from Kolkata. When the city of my annual visit changed, I loved the fact that I was reading fresh news in the paper which I like better than Hindu, Statesman, et al.

Rabbits live in burrows. Y'know - 'em holes in the grounds where you can go hibernate for a few months, and earn heavily during the remaining by renting it to ostriches ityadi.

2003, Salt Lake, Calcutta - an elderly gentleman tried getting of the bus a bit too late, off the back door. Driver didn't see; old guy stumbled and fell on the road. Next thing you know, in spite of old guys saying it was his fault, the driver and khalasi are being mobbed.

In the recent past, Mumbai has seen a great amount of citizen policing. A petty thief results in the instant creation of a lynch mob.

http://www.telegraphindia.com/1071006/asp/calcutta/story_8401732.asp

Delhi is always criticized by Mumbaikars - and their primary bone of contention is how the national capital is highly unsafe for women. Delhiites are also blamed for the central government not returning a fair enough share of the huge amounts of taxes generated by the largest tax-generating city in this country.

Sepultura is scheduled to give Mumbai a miss, and perform in Delhi, Shillong and Bangalore.

ToI's nationwide circulation exceeds HT, Hindu, DNA, Statesman, Telegraph, Indian Express, et al. ToI makes its presence felt in a ton of cities. Telegraph, in 1.

Bhutan has the lowest crime rate in the world. India isn't a contender. Personally though, I'd stay away from Bronx, Queens/Hell's Kitchen and the rest of Lower Manhattan, and Staten Island. These are 3 out of the 5 boroughs of NYC.